hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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