I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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