Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
either way he was missing a nipple.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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