I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
