Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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