I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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