I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
