I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
