Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
