I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
