I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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