There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
