Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Let's get the cat blown out
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
