I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
