Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
