Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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