i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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