i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Randomize
