you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
