its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
