so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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