Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
