You smell like a Billy Joel song
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
