I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
