the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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