i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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