dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
