Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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