It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
