Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.â€
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
