ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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