Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
We left the knife in your bed.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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