your parents love me but you hate me
Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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