I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
