dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
