sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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