thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
