Even the bartender felt bad for me
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
