God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
