I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
