she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
