I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
