Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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