Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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