Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
