I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
