Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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