Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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