he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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