theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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