Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
