Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize