Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
