imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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